I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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