you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
