i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
