Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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