there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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