Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
