i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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