tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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