I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
OPIZZABONMYDICK
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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