I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
