ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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