I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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