A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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