so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize