Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
