K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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