I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
