Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
