my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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