He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
