all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
