I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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