Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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