I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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