i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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