Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
my poor anus
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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