Just fell off a train. Bad.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
