He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
