so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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