Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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