whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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