theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
