I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't deserve a penis
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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