the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
