then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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