i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
