if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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