The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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