hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
