I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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