I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
