This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
