I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
