Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
