Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
