Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
