Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
