I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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