He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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