i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
