It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
