I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
