All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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