the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I fill condoms, not promises.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How does one acquire holy water?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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