I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
