i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
