my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize