You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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