So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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