why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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